Modeling a Lasting Relationship: 7 Mental Reminders for Staying Married

My mental reminders for staying married

I know that when our marriage gets hard, it’s usually because I’ve gotten too much in my head. (There’s a great book by Jennie Allen about that!) Over time, I’ve developed several mental reminders to navigate the highs and lows of married life and bring me back to a healthy place.

1. I made a commitment to God.

I love Jesus, and I’m an Enneagram 3. Which is quite the tango. I am always wrestling with grace. Something in me needs to earn love, to justify the privilege of living. That means my kryptonite is failing and/or disappointing someone. I really can’t bear the thought of failing or disappointing God. I know grace doesn’t work that way, but nevertheless it’s a very strong driving force to help me stick with my commitment.  I want every moment of my life to honor the Lord, and that includes keeping the covenant I made with him and my husband.

2. I have a legacy to uphold.

Divorce hasn’t been up the chain in mine or Kelvin’s family, and I don’t want to be the one to tip the domino. I feel a profound responsibility to uphold this legacy, and that external pressure serves as a powerful motivator to navigate through challenges.

3. I love my kids too much to let them down.

The thought of disappointing my children is a powerful motivator to weather the storms of marriage. Knowing that our resilience and perseverance serve as a model for them reinforces my determination to keep pressing forward. I know they love my husband and I independently, but they also love us together and find security in our relationship. That is foundational for them, both personally and in their own relationships and marriages. There is a peace that having a stable home provides, and I also want them to see it’s worth it to work at it.

4. The good times are better than the bad times.

This is something I do actively tell my kids. And myself.

It took me a long time to believe this, to acknowledge that peace is better than pride. I can be quite stubborn and maintain a stalemate for days—even weeks. I can remember at the end of a particularly rough spell finally waving the white flag and collapsing into my husband’s arms. The war was over. And he was still there, willing to love me, hold me, and forgive me.

I realized at that moment that I was an idiot.

Why do I put me/us/him through that? Why is it worth it? It isn’t.

Do I still do it on occasion? Yes. Especially on hormonal days/weeks. But I’m hyper-aware of the situation and kicking myself in the pants to get myself out of that funk.

“The good times are better than the bad times. You know this, Holly. Stop being stubborn.”

It’s a mental battle, but I’m getting better. A couple of Bible verses that I keep close to the chest:

• Psalms 34:14 – Seek peace and pursue it.
• Romans 12:18 – As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

5. Wherever I go, I take me with me.

90% of the time, the relational issue in our marriage is me. My stinking thinking. And as much as I might think the grass could be greener somewhere else, I realize that in all likelihood, I’d have the same issues over in that yard. Because I’d be there.

6. I married a really good man.

I know this to my core. No one else would put up with my shenanigans! He’s my rock and my tether. I always tell him he’s my Wolverine—he self-heals, no matter how many shots I fire. I’m so, so grateful for his kind, enduring love.

7. God’s been too good to me.

This kind of harks back to #1, but this is more from a grateful place, and not an achievement place. I’m so blessed, so loved, so planted in green pastures beside still waters, with a quiver of beautiful arrows out sharing and showing love to the world.

The least I can do is to try to love like God loves. Freely, no strings attached. I’m not good at it, but I want to be. It’s a journey.

Reminders for Staying Married from those in the Trenches!

I asked the Facebook peeps what were their top tips for staying married. Here are some that were shared from both newlyweds and seasoned wives.

1. Teamwork Over Competition: “Marriage isn’t always 50/50. Sometimes it’s 40/60 or 80/20. But the stats always change. And frankly sometimes it’s 40/40 and you as a couple must seek the Lord to fill the gaps in the number.”
2. Prioritizing Communication and Connection: “Never go to bed angry. Laugh and laugh a lot. Date each other. Talk about things, even if you don’t want to. Let your spouse know what you are thinking/feeling…they are not mind readers.”
3. Navigating Life’s Challenges Together: “Marriage isn’t immune to life’s trials and tribulations, but it’s in facing these challenges together that couples deepen their bond.”
4. Cultivating Humility and Grace: “Remember you are not always right! Whether in your mind or theirs….guys don’t always hear what you are saying, they hear what they thought you were saying! And the other way around! Give grace and ask for mercy, talk it out.”

As diverse as our experiences may be, these words of wisdom are universal. From faith and commitment to communication and grace, these guiding principles illuminate the path forward, reminding us that while marriage may be challenging, it’s also profoundly rewarding—a journey best traveled hand in hand, with love as our compass and faith as our guide.

To all the married couples out there: What are your tips and reminders for staying married? Comment below!